(AKA: The only time it's OK to read a stranger's diary.)

What I’ve Been Up to for the Past 19 Days

My last post was on New Years and I’m only getting around to updating now. Which is sad considering how much free time I’ve had. Sorry whomever might be ghost watching my blog. o_o;

My depression had gotten worse lately which might have contributed to my hiatus because literally, there are times where I just want to cry and sleep and bemoan my circumstances. Pathetic, I know, but true. Although, I know that I’m being WAY too hard on myself. I’ve got good grades, I’ve started to take up more responsibility in my house, and no one seems to be yelling at me that I’m not doing well enough but I just keep telling myself that I’m not good enough.

I know that’s a lie and that I have value in God’s eyes but I fail so badly sometimes. I don’t want to make anyway sad so I’ll just move on, then. Let’s talk about anime. Ah, anime. You have your silly stuff with dark undertones, like Trigun.

And then you have the heart-crushing hell that is dark with light comedic undertones to keep you from drowning in the feels. I have a gif in mind but I’m not going to post it because it’ll make me cry and prevent my going into my blog. So, yeah, until I make my last post ya’ll aint’ seeing that gif of Nina Tucker from FMA calling Edward “Big Brother”. Ehehe, let’s just move on.

I took a bit of a break from anime for the past year or two and hopping back into the fandom has been tough because I’m so behind and I need to catch up on some anime. I would love to get your opinions on what I should watch next and show you what I’m into but My Anime List is down for updates, so I’ll post my thing when it’s back up. Thanks for letting me vent! I’ll do an opinion piece or something fun when I get outta my funk.

Love you guys,


Happy New Year!

Welcome 2015! I pray that this year would be a blessing to a lot of people, and that we could move on from 2014 with faith and confidence. Also, that this year would suck less. Yep.

2014 Was The Year That (Kinda) Sucked.

2014 was just…terrible. I’m sure many great and beautiful things happened but 2014 was so…sad. I cried about so much this year. So many people died and got sick and 2 freaking airplanes disappeared. Two airplanes?! Two? Gosh!

Anyway, I believe that a lot of good happened this ear too but if we weighed the good against the bad then I think a lot of people would say 2014 was a freaking dystopian society movie. It was sad and surreal. But maybe that’s kind of a good thing. It got people to notice more problems in the world and act out against them. We raised tons of money for ALS by dumping buckets of ice water on our heads. We fought against racism in Ferguson and protested across the world. Also, immigration reform. We did some good and we did some bad but over all I think that we can still do better. All of us. If we just try hard enough and work towards a better world for everyone with God’s word in mind.

So yeah, I think this year was weird, but I did have a lot of fun too, and that’s great. Every year has its ups and downs and this year was no different. Don’t be so hard on yourself 2014. You weren’t that bad (kinda). As the last post of 2014 though, I want to wish you all a Happy New Year and I pray that you’d all be able to reflect on this year and improve yourself in the next. To my brother, Israel, and his girlfriend, Janet, in Times Square as I write this: kiss when the ball drops, okay? If not I’ll be disappointed. Also get married you dorks. Kay, thx.

Anxious About Anxiety

Anxiety sucks. Period. Anyone who tells you otherwise or that anxiety isn’t really a big deal and that people should just suck it up should have to pay a tax for being that ignorant. That type of ignorance causes accidents that could cost the government so I don’t see why they shouldn’t cash in on it.

Anyway, back to anxiety. Like I said, it sucks and a lot of people deal with it. According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, anxiety disorders are apparently the most common mental illnesses in the U.S., affecting more than 40 million adults. That’s 18% of the United States population. So why do I still feel alone in being afraid to go to sleep at night because I hate that quiet, thoughtful, ‘what-if’ time between being awake and asleep?

I know that other people deal with it too and those people might feel the same way and we might be anxious about the same things but I think I try to deny that I have General Anxiety Disorder. I get panic attacks, I can’t watch certain movies or TV-shows or go certain places, and being alone for long periods of time has sent me into a heart-throbbing frenzy. I could’ve gotten abducted once because when I was younger I followed this man that I’d seen before at church down the street and almost begged for his help. I have a diagnosis but I kind of look at it and ignore it. I don’t want to have it so I pretend that I don’t. I try watching scary movies and going to huge parties with friends and staying alone and it usually backfires in the long run. Because I’m dumb and I wanna be “normal”. Grrr.

Actually, I don’t think there is such a thing as normality. I think maybe we’re just all unique and different with separate experiences and lives and there is no median. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in absolute truths, but we’re so diverse that normal is nearly impossible to achieve. So I should stop worrying, take my meds, roll up my sleeves, and get some work done. BECAUSE I HAve to adapt to life like everyone else and it’ll be okay eventually. Blech. Also my kirigumi came today. I am now an owl.

Pictures here: http://www.amazon.com/Owl-Kigurumi-Halloween-Costumes-Pajama/dp/B005KP0WQM/ref=sr_1_6?s=apparel&ie=UTF8&qid=1419884584&sr=1-6&keywords=kirigumi

It’s a lil’ Christmas Post! #1

“I have always thought of Christmas time, when it has come round, as a good time; a kind, forgiving, charitable time; the only time I know of, in the long calendar of the year, when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely, and to think of people below them as if they really were fellow passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys.”

-Charles Dickens

A Very Merry Virtual Christmas

Ah, Christmastime. A time of joy and merriment to be had with family, friends. and distant acquaintances of those friends who helped themselves to the last slice of strawberry cheesecake right when you were going for it and then proceeded to rub it in your-

*ahem* Let me begin again.

Christmas is up on the list of my Top 10 Favorite holidays along with Ask a Stupid Question Day, Everything You Think is Wrong Day, and Take Your Pants for a Walk Day (all of the previous are actual holidays, by the way). Most jokes aside, I love Christmas because people are generally less themselves around this time of year. Let me give you an example. My mom and dad are kind and godly people. Let no one mistake them as otherwise. But during the 334 days of the year that aren’t December, when I ask for something I have to tread lightly around their frayed parental nerves. I have to word things ever so carefully so that they don’t think I’m being insensitive, rude, or whatever. Most of what I say when I petition to my parents comes out like this:

Me: Mom? Can I-

Mom: Did you finish your homework?

Me: I applaud your sense of fashion on this fine morning, that the Lord has gifted us with in his infinite mercy, and pray that He would continue to sanctify us and bring us closer together as a family. Lastly, I implore you to consider gifting me with the money to renew my World of Warcraft membership, milady.

Mom: Finish your homework.

Me: Kay.

And that’s the gist of our conversations for January through November. I put on some lipstick to like nice while I kiss my mom’s butt and she in return puts on a high-heeled shoe to kick mine back to reality. Wonderful cycle that we have going on, yes?

But when the weather outside gets frightful and the fire is like an earth engulfing blaze from unholy hell because you’re mom won’t turn down the heat, my parents have a change of heart. They are kinder, they are more receptive, and they are the one’s offering to give me things. And since it’s the season of giving, I’m trying to give back too. Because no one deserves to not know that they’re loved by people on any day, but really it feels like it would be worse on Christmas. So yeah. Give people some love this holiday season!

Life’s Flat Tires (ie: The first post that’s 2-years late)

“A journey of a thousand miles, begins with a single step.”


I made this blog in 2012 and this is my first post. Two-years late and around 730 dollars short. Why did it take me so long to finally start posting on my long dormant mid-summer project?

Because I am terrified of taking the first step.

As long as I can remember I have been less than enthusiastic for starting, continuing, and finishing things at regular intervals. The only reason I’m even writing this right now instead of putting it off forever is because It’s due tomorrow for a school project.

Yep. I’m totally dedicated.

It’s really something that I struggle with and It’s my biggest obstacle right now for driving down the road of life. When I get a flat tire on that road filled with potholes and pitfalls, I make a note that I need to fix it and then sit down and wait. For what, you ask? For the flat to go away. And when it’s still there and I’m stuck at that same place in the road I get confused, frustrated, and depressed because the tire is still quite flat.

Even though I haven’t done a thing to fix it and even though I’ve been avoiding the issue, and even though dozens of cars have stopped to ask me if I need help and I turn them away, the hole in the tire remains and I am left to sulk and avoid until I finally get sick of seeing other cars fly past me and fix the flat.

The funny thing is, I try to hide the flat tire from others too. I don’t want them to know that I’m struggling because I just want to be like them, racing ahead of me down life’s road. But I think I forget sometimes that we’re all at different places on our journey. I forget that other people have flat tires of their own too and that people’s cars break down and that it’s OK to ask for help sometimes. God gave us a road with other drivers on it so we can ask each other for help when our own cars start to break down and we’re left stranded. I dunno, just something that’s been on my mind and making it hard for me to get work done for school. Remember readers (if I have any): Do as I say, not as I do.

And here, have a gif!